Random rant

After more than a year of nothingness on this space, (only for people to see. I composed many rant drafts and dint publish them on purpose. I deleted them all, for good), i push myself to go for it today.

The paragraphs are most likely to be completely unrelated to one another. Sorry about the absolute randomness.

I went through a phase of nothingness, an utterly unispiring phase, where i lacked the will, energy and motivation to do anything. Just anything. Now that i am out of it, all hyper and wanting to do something, i realised i am rather unaffected by the choices i have. I want to do something, i have the options, but i am not all too inspired to do them.

The things i want to do:

--Learn a sport: I picked tennis, purely because there is a new academy very close to my place. But, I am finding it rather difficult to wake up early and take my lazy ass to the court. Might not last long.

--Join music classes: I envy people who can sing songs the way they are meant to be. Music inspires me. And i can appreciate it. Only, people dont appreciate my appreciation of it. A formal training could help. Or not. I should find out.

--Learn a new language: I picked German, because it was an easy choice. Not the language, that might not be easy. Only the choice of language was. Then suddenly, i wanted to learn sanskrit. And this time, i want to learn it properly.

--Join dance classes: Not classical dance. But some general bollywood dance types. I tried my hand (or should i say feet :P) at this once, but it dint work out too well. This time, the dance instructor dropped out even before i did. Not my fault, i tell you.

--Join art classes: I want to try my hand at sketching, and a few other things.

All these require me to thaw my frozen lazy ass. I am not making any effort at this. I know I should.

I blame my lack of energy on hypothyroidism. Or hyper. Dont know which one. I should get tested and hope i have one of those, for i shall have something to blame my lethargy on.

There is one thing i know is rather innate. Hyper or hypo, thyroid levels have nothing to do with it. I am a compulsive procrastinator. I dont need a reason to not reply to an e-mail right away. In fact, most times, i dont have one. I just dont do it.

The email, phone call, the blog, everything will have to wait for another day, a more opportune time. What is going to make the time more opportune, i dont know. But, someday, all these shall be done. Or will fade into oblivion. Sometimes though, such inaction deems any redressal impossible and ineffective. I have lost touch with a lot of friends because of this habit of mine. And i regret that.

Most times, i have never had a problem with what i am and how i am. But, there have been instances when i have utterly hated myself. I read a few blogs recently and wondered at the confidence of the women these blogs belong to. I wish, i too could claim that i am all awesome, and believe that truly. Of course, all my shortcomings included in my awesomeness.

Even when i have had my self doubts, i havent done much to address those. So maybe they dont matter too much to me anyway. Or i am just plain lazy.

I should be accepted and liked for what i am, and i have been. I have a large number of friends. They love me for what i am, and not for what i can be. So, i guess i am ok the way i am.

I think i should write more often.

This morning, there was a certain thought that i wanted to express with great urgency. But now, i dont recall what that was. But I am random that way.

Also, i think i should get back into my reading mode, and i should do that very soon.

I have a number of books lined up in my shelf that are yet to serve their lives' purposes. I should get them out, dust them and let them attain nirvana before the bookworm does.

I hate getting my limbs waxed and eyebrows shaped. It hurts, and the process is very boring. But i got into the cycle. And now i cant break out of it. I whine everytime i have to get this done and make the parlour lady miserable too.

For now, this is all i have to say. When the thought process gets more coherent, i shall write a better post.

Wonder when that would happen!